Slip-n-Slide and Old Men

 

 

 

Last night in Dreamland, we were invited to a July 4th celebration. Because I knew they had an awesome yard with a big hill, I suggested they build an extra-long slip 'n slide for the kids who would be there. They did, and the kids had a great time!

There were a ton of people at the party; friends and family--most of whom I didn't know. We were standing in the kitchen, trying to find some leftover food to eat (long, involved Dreamland story), when I overheard an old, wealthy-looking white man make a very derogatory statement about women. As most of you will know, I could not let the comment go unchallenged. I told him how offensive it was, and when he looked at me, I saw sheer evil in his eyes. He looked at my name tag, and said something to a guy who was with him. 

The next thing I knew, his secretary (yeah, she looked like a typical secretary) whispered something in his ear. He said to me, "Congratulations! We just cleaned out your bank account." I said something to the
effect that they didn't get much money then, and then apologized for what I had said to him. I also contacted my friends the computer hackers, and they were able to get my money back for me. Well, that made him really angry! He now had two guys waiting for his instructions, and between the two of them, they cleaned out our retirement accounts, repossessed our car, and were on the way to taking our house when....I woke up!

Moral of the story? Take the old white man seriously, and choose to experience joy instead.

VOTE people!

Pepperoni Pizza

 I saw some weird shit last night in Dreamland--weirder than usual. I blame the pepperoni pizza and the excitement of a close Purdue women's basketball game (they won!).

Anyway, Karen and I both gave birth to unicorns. Yes, unicorns. And while her unicorn was practically perfect in every way, my baby unicorn was feisty, and did NOT want me to be her mother! Understandable, really. I know nothing about raising a unicorn. 

I guess this is a cautionary Dreamland post--beware the consequences of mixing pepperoni and a blown, 12 point lead.

Two Important Messages from Dreamland

 

I learned two very important things last night in Dreamland, and I'm compelled to share them with you this morning.

Number 1:  when getting up to give a speech, a talk, a sermon, a reading...USE THE CLOSEST, EASIEST ROUTE. You know what I'm talking about! If you decide to "take the back stairs", you will be lost in whatever venue you are in. And it will be embarrassing for you as, ten minutes or an hour later, you emerge from that maze of stairs and obstacles and hazards on to the stage.

Number 2:  do NOT allow your "acquaintance" or "long lost friend" to do your yearly "lady parts" check-up (you can stop reading this if you're....not interested). No matter how many they've done "on the side" to supplement their job as artist or airline pilot or whatever. No, this isn't one of those "sexy dreams"--this is "let me remove that 'iffy' bit" and you wake up pissed because you think they tried to kill you.

With these two things in mind, I know you will sleep better tonight than I did last night!

Curly, Texas

 

 

Last night in Dreamland, we went to visit family and friends in Texas. And Texans were obsessed with ALL things curly:

Curly Fries

Curly Apples

Curly Donuts (makes sense--you start with a hole in the middle!). 

Curly kebobs

Not sure what this all meant....maybe I was just hungry? And feeling wavy?

At the end of the dream, I was approached by two total strangers and asked if I had some "sanitized quarters" (quarters dipped in hand sanitizer). I was fresh out, sadly, but then I got to wondering...do I often have total strangers appear in my dreams? And if I do, who the heck are they???

Lizzo

 

Last night in Dreamland, it was today, which totally makes sense in Dreamland. Since it's Friday, I swam. Then Karen, Anna, Kate, and I hustled over to Lizzo's house to see her before she left on tour--because we are her BFFs, I guess. She seemed to have a lot of friends, but because it's MY Dreamland, she liked us best.

We said our good-byes; she wanted us to come with her, but Karen and I have a baby we just must see, so we had to say no...for now. 

I got the biggest hug from Lizzo--don't tell the others, but she loves me best. 

There was also something about my skin peeling, but that's a blog for another day.

LIZZO!!!!

A New Pub!

So, last night in Dreamland, we found out that Beal and Murph were building a new pub!  I was so excited to hear that, because they have good taste in beer, and with Murph's vision, I knew the pub would be beautiful!

My excitement increased when Murph told me their pub would have a 99% alcohol IPA that was fantastic. I couldn't wait to try it!

Our friends were so excited too, looking forward to Beer School in the pub, until...

...we found out this pub was to be a real pub in a real pub place....England!

DNA Doesn't Lie!

 

 

 

Breaking news from Dreamland!! 

DNA testing proves Mitt Romney is MY FATHER!!

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, at the age of 12, Mitt Romney had a one-night stand in Vegas with my mother.

Now, to get some of Daddy's money!